I almost burned out

I started to pursue this “online thing” 1st of June 2023. Didn’t know at aaaaall what I was doing.

Bought a course for USD1399, started a website and blogged about Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Yerba Mate Tee, and Protein supplements (I know random… 😄 )

Result? Didn’t make ANY money for 8 months.

Then in January 2024 I stopped posting into the void and went on social media (Threads and Twitter)

There then I started to write about Psychology, Writing Tips, and Personal Branding.

Result?

Made $10,000 in April 2024 and now I’m at $5,000/MRR.

For some people, that’s the dream; for some, that’s not much.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter. What matters is, why did I almost burn out?

I achieved what I wanted to achieve - to make enough money so I can finance my life, all by working from my computer. I even wrote about the things I wanted to write about. From the outside everything seemed fine.

But there was a huge issue with my approach:

I put immense pressure on myself.

I was:

• getting down on myself when one of my posts flops

• obsessing about delivering great results for my clients

• feeling bad when I’m not working (not having clear boundaries)

• brushing off my successes like it was nothing, going to my next task

• Isolating from real-life experiences, consumed in my online-making-money-world

• always wanting to do more. More posting. more newsletter. more Dm’s. MORE MORE MORE.

In the back of my mind, I always thought “This all might go away someday. I will get exposed. I’m actually not that good. It was all luck. I’m behind and some day I will need to go back to University and get a 9-5”

My motivation for my business was running on fear. And that’s not how you sustain a business. It might work for a while and fear brought me very far. But it led me down a scary path.

Underneath my fear was a deep feeling of unworthiness. Of not feeling good enough. 

No matter how much I achieved on the outside, the feeling of “smallness” never went away.

And it proves: Achieving doesn’t mean change on the inside. Changing your outside situation doesn’t fill the big hole inside of you. Believe me, I tried.

So what changed?

2 months ago I had an intense mushroom trip in a cabin in the woods. So intense that I could not do much more than lay down in bed and close my eyes.

Being high as never before, I needed to fully let go of my urge to control the situation. I laid there for 2-3 hours (lost track of time) and it was one of the most intense hours of my life:

The mushroom exposed me to my fears, anxieties, and inner shame. It showed me my flaws (I almost freaked out). 

But underneath all that, it showed me that it’s okay. I’m safe. I’m hold. I’m secure and cared for and there’s nothing to worry about. I never felt so cared for in my life. I had an intense feeling of “being home”.

During the trip, I tried to be as present with my inner and outside world as possible. I began to watch my feelings instead of being them.

I was looking at shame, anxiety, and fear with love. I observed them and let them be there instead of trying to push them away.

That’s the first time I could truly say: I was able to surrender.

And that changed how I pursue my business forever.

Because I realized: My business is not important.

Ye- I said it. Your business is not important. Not even a little bit. What’s important is to be present with life. That’s it.

Your business will bring up a lot of emotions - your job is to look at them. That’s it. The goal is not to get money and be successful. The goal is to become free. And we are here to use our business to become liberated.

Your business is just your vehicle to be with presence.

So every day I repeat this simple phrase to myself:

My business is not important. I’m not my business, It’s just what I do to become free. 

This simple phrase puts all the pressure out of my life.

I would even go as far as saying I would be okay if it all would go away. Because I know that I’m taking care of. Life has my back. 🙂 Never been so certain of something in my life.

In the next chapter of my life, I want to practice the art of acceptance and openness. I want to be as open as possible to whatever life has planned for me.

I want to have faith in life - trusting life that it knows what it’s doing. Knowing that life is taking care of me - worrying about my business sounds almost silly from that perspective.

All I need to do now is just:

Try to do my best work, use my Business to observe the emotions that come up and trust life.

I’m practicing the art of “okayness”. Being okay with everything.

So if you’re noticing yourself stressing out about the future, know as crazy as it might sound:

The mushroom allowed me to have a conversation with truth. And truth told me: I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re okay. And everything will stay okay.

You’re loved and taken care of. I’ve never been so sure of something.

Hope this could relieve some pressure off you…

Are you feeling pressure? Do you feel anxious? Are you struggling to make ends meet? Reply to this e-mail and I will get back to (please I’d love to hear about your experiences)

With love,

Heythem